Some Thoughts on Entitlement

Time to get some thoughts out. I've been thinking about...you guessed it...entitlement lately.  It's interesting being a parent for many reasons.  One of those reasons being that at some point your children reach an age where your parenting is very apparent.  It can be a big slap in the face at times when you see your child act a certain way and you know it is probably because of something they have seen you do or somehow you have taught them that it is okay.  Yucky, scary, wake up call!!  I feel like I have always tried to teach my children to be grateful and appreciative and to help and work.  But lately, I have seen some attitudes of entitlement in them that leave me feeling frustrated and confused as to what in the world I have been teaching them.  I don't give them everything they want.  I discipline them daily, as needed.  I teach them manners.  I do say no, a lot.  I don't buy whatever I want, when I want it.  Where have I gone wrong?  I still don't totally know, but thinking back, I do see where I have spoiled them at times when it was really unearned or even deserved.  For example, a while back when Rich was working constantly and we had a little extra money, I would take them out to eat more often than normal.  I admit I did this for several reasons.  One being that I despise being in the kitchen; you can call it lazy, or whatever you wish, but it's not something I enjoy.  Another reason being that with Rich being gone so much, I needed a break.  And eating out, even if it was fast food, was a break for me.  It wasn't all of the time, but definitely more than I should have.  I totally regret it because we could have saved some money and now my kids feel entitled to going out when, once upon a time, going out was such a treat.  FAIL!  Now I often hear, "Mom, what's for dinner?"  Me: "I don't know yet."  Kids: "Cool, then lets go out," or "We better go out,"  or "Can we go out!!??" Ugh!  I totally did that to them. I see that.  I'm trying hard to get them back on the track of "being home is better."  But boy, do I feel like I did them a disservice.  So there is one thing for sure I see I did!  I'm sure if I sit and think long enough I could come up with more ways that I/we contributed to it.  

Another thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is Christmas presents.  In the past, I have always made the bulk of their presents "from Santa."  I did this because that is how I grew up, and I thought that doing this made Christmas morning more magical.  But now I realize that getting a ton from Santa could leave a child feeling entitled, especially when they are used to getting quite a bit from the jolly guy; and it could leave the parents feeling like they have a lot to live up to the following years.  I was recently talking to my sister and she shared with me what some of her friends do.  She said they give 3 gifts per kid; one from Santa, one educational gift, and one fun thing/something they asked for.  Just one gift from Santa.  Now that makes sense to me.  It has always bothered me in the past, watching my kids tear open their gifts with excitement, but not being able to really turn to someone and thank them for it.  It's just onto the next gift.  Sure it's fun to think it's from Santa, but if you give them a lot of stuff from Santa, it's probably easy for them to expect it next year too.  So I'm really thinking about how I want to change things.  As parents, it's so fun to give gifts to your children and to see their excitement, but sometimes it's also easy to get carried away and give them too much.  Yes, even on Christmas.  I feel like this Christmas my kids might see a little less under the tree and maybe that will disappoint them a bit, but I know we will be doing them a great service by stopping the spoiling now and not when it's too late.  


A couple of weeks ago, we were at an 11 year old boy's birthday party.  He opened up several gifts and he said, "yeah," in a sarcastic voice, just tossing the gifts to the side.  The last gift he opened was an iphone.  This lite his face right up.  An iphone at 11 years old!  What will he get for Christmas or his next birthday?  


My 9 year old neighbor came over today with her very own laptop.  My kids sat in awe over the fact that she had one of her own.  When they told her how lucky she was to have it, she said, "I know!  Santa brought it for me!"  OH GREAT!  Just what I wanted my kids to hear.  You can only guess what they what for Christmas now.   


When I see children with grown up things, it annoys me; not because I'm jealous, but because I know they can't possibly appreciate those things.  And if we just use the excuse of Santa, to spoil our kids, then sure they will think they deserve it...after all, Santa has a naughty and nice list.   


It seems like we are failing as a society to say no to our children and even ourselves.  I think it's too easy to give in so we or our kids are not the only ones without.  I remember the feeling of being the "only one," my senior year, without a car.  When all the kids around me were getting cars for their birthday (most of which were super nice), I had to save up for half of my car, and wait for my dad to save his half.  By the time I got my car, I was just months away from graduating.  It felt amazing to be more grown up, but it also felt amazing to know that I had worked for that car.  I worked to save the money, but I also worked in the way of delayed gratification.  I really appreciated that car.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the scenario, that changed my life and from there on out I was able to delay gratification, but I'm sure it taught me a lot.  I wish I could say I have been great at it, but that's not true.  I think we live in a society where most people feel entitled.  It's not just kids.  It's easy for me to feel entitled to many things as well.  Anyway, just some thoughts, I better get to bed!  I found this book that I really want to read... 

watch a video on the book here.